When I was fighting for my rights to stay, and live in a home, my home. My parental rights, and the rights of my children people said: “Just focus on yourself.”
I don’t think they really understand what it means, and how it really works.
Focusing on yourself doesn’t mean to just completely switch off everything else, and just do your own thing for yourself. Even though it may sound healthy. However, for people who have already been avoidant throughout their lives, this is a trap. That’s what it felt wrong in the first place when I heard it.
What is also means, when there’s an uncomfortable situation, triggering people around you – focus on yourself. Don’t turn your feelings on them, and make those about them.
Focus on yourself and see why you are triggered and bothered to begin with. Observe, don’t think. What you feel will also show you what is good for you, and what isn’t.
It’s the decision to stay there, and figure it out by simply observing yourself, and the surroundings. It’s like a dance if you don’t pay attention, you’ll end up stepping on someone. People’s behaviour tells you about them. What you feel teaches you about yourself.
When I was younger, and with limited choices of the people I could hang out with, I’d often end up doing things I didn’t feel safe doing, or didn’t like. Luckily nothing too bad or criminal.
Just for example:
First girlfriend, I was in the 15 when we started, she was 16. She was wild, today I’d consider that a teenager that’s out of control. Also very possessive, but I was really in love with her and she wrapped me around her finger. One night there was a concert of her favourite band, and she decided that we will climb the scaffolding next to the primary school which had a great view on the stadium.
I was against it for several reasons, safety, and highly likely to be caught by security or police. Needless to say, she stole a large 1,5L bottle of homemade wine from her dad’s incredibly large stockpile of wine – clearly alcoholism at home, and according to her, he was an abusive religious fanatic under control of his even more toxic and controlling mother living with them in the same house (classic story of that culture that still lingers).
We were lucky that there were no cops, or security. However, when she got more than just tipsy, emotional, and triggered for no really valid reason other than being drunk. As I am writing this I remember she started talking about self harm and suicidal thoughts. Not much longer after that, some foolery and wobbling from her, and she fell over the edge!
I will never forget that moment, my reflexes of grabbing her 80’s style tracksuit jacket by the sleeve which immediately started ripping. I somehow managed to swing her a floor below just in time when her sleeve ripped off. I remember being so confused, it was like being in a movie. I ran to her, still unsure whether I want to scream at her, or hug her. I know I hugged her, and she begged me to slap her.
I just didn’t want that sort of chaos, and I didn’t know how to say it, and what to do when you love someone but you can see that they are mistreating you. Following summer vacation she went to Croatia with her family, ended up smooching with some random guy. She did tell me about it, had remorses.
Today I can see why that real experience of pure love – tantra – was simply wiped out that same moment, and all we had from that moment onwards was attraction, and addiction to the dopamine rush.
Love has its own rules that we don’t need to read or write ourselves. That’s why it didn’t need an explanation.
It just needed me to realise what I wrote yesterday – what we feel is real, it doesn’t need any explanation.
If it feels off, it’s off. You’ll know later why, the mind always follows the body and subconscious, period.
In the end, people do what they do. In this case, the girlfriend did what she did. That’s something we all have to face ourselves.
Fact is, we can’t blame anyone for what we do, how we behave. That’s what focusing on yourself means, taking accountability for what you feel, who you are, and doing what’s best for you. No one else can tell you that better than you already know it deep down.
Indeed, with so much pressure just from existing in the society, being pushed to achieve and live a life you might not even be happy with, I hear you!
Partner stressing you out. You feel like a failure as a parent, and as the adult who failed his younger self. I feel you!
When it all feels like the world is crumbling in on you, then do take a BIG time out for yourself.
Relax, rest, just do nothing.
If you keep thinking you can’t do it, you don’t have a place to go, or no time because you must pay the bills, fix the shit, and be the man or the super mom. Then please just take a good long look at my first few posts, this over thinking is what lead me here – burnt out, homeless, and without any direction or idea what to do.
The more I’ve tried to get back into the groove the more it kept pushing me back every time something good happened.
I couldn’t understand why. I’m healing, doing what I can by myself, working or looking for more work, showing up for kids whenever I could – even more than I thought I could and would be able to. I am doing everything “right”.
That’s the catch, once kids reciprocated that dedication, love and loyalty with telling me that they’re too busy to respond to a text message, that pain and emptiness was a gift.
I sat with it, felt all the anger, disgust and sadness knowing that it’s not their fault, and it’s not my fault. Accepting that there’s really nothing I can do anymore to feel like it’s worth it, that there are improvements that positively affect the kids, me and my ex just in real time.
The future itself is far too complex and out of any of our powers to even go too far in discussing that beyond the already known schedules.
Today I am grateful that it happened, grateful for all the pain, and the joy in my life.
That’s something I’ve learned way before I met with my ex, and just like I let other things stick in my life like flies stick on the shit, it made me think these flies stuck to me because I was shit. Truth is, flies also love honey.
Gratitude is really that sweet spot of being able to really breathe, move on, focus on yourself, and transform any pain into something creative.
It also helps to grow that confidence to face the unknown, the scary, and the uncertain.
To stay focused on yourself it means you’re mastering the moment, and all it takes is to be genuine, to be real, and practice kindness to yourself and others.
If you think I’m just making this up, why don’t you hop on and read more about it here, and here.
What do you think is true self-love, compassion and focus on yourself? Let me know in the comments.
Much love!
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