The “fun” part of healing from trauma is finding out what is not healing well yet, and in my case it is what made me weak in the first place – not love, not a woman, but children.
When we still had couples therapies together, and my own therapist was on vacation for a month, I asked him to ensure that his replacement is not someone who only knows how to cite and quote their books. Unfortunately, that’s exactly what I got, and that guy assume that between my and my “partner” we are suffering from an attachment disorder dynamics, shoves a few pages of an actual book in my hands (oh, the irony) about anxious and avoidant attachment disorders. I read it, cam back a week later and told him that I am not emotionally attached to that woman, just family and the kids, and being abused, manipulated and destroyed is what is making me anxious as a whole. Needless to say, they know it all, and my voice, my feelings, my reality didn’t matter to them.
Why I’m mentioning this, because two days ago I was forced to completely detach even from my own children. Life was extremely hard on me in past three years. I’ve spent all this time living on a boat, squats, or couch surfing with the people who are kind enough to help. First year after the breakup it was still so insane, she kept coming back, hoovering me in and pushing me away every time there was something close to real truth and intimacy (intimacy is not sex, it’s about being vulnerable and sitting in that discomfort together, healing together). On top of that, fighting for my own life with crazy lunatics trying to rob me, or just act out their bully fantasies on a seemingly weak homeless guy. Every time I felt anything close to good enough to feel at least a little bit like a human being, I took everything I could afford, booked a hotel room, or whatever else I could and spent time with the kids. They also came to my boat a couple of times, and travelled with me around Netherlands.
Basically, whenever I could afford to, and really felt able, and stable enough to see kids, I did that. In the past two to three months I’ve seen them at least once a week, and then spent weekends with them in the camping. One week I booked a studio in a hotel, and each night I spent with one of the three kids alone, so we all had our time together but they also got attention for themselves separately. And it was so far the best week of my life with them, even before the breakup.
Then my 8 years old daughter had her first public performance with her circus group. Sometimes just attending an event like this will take the last cash I have, every atom of my energy, and I will still show up with a smile, and happy for my children. That’s exactly what I have done.
In the meantime we also all agreed that I create iOS accounts for kids since they have old iPads (not that I have ever approved it, but as soon as I was kicked out of my home, all the parenting agreements and rules were blown out of the house with me. This way we could stay in touch when we’re not together and talk more often. At the beginning I kept getting messages every day. Of course, I did have to ask kids to tone it down a bit, they still don’t understand that getting messages and calls every half an hour does get out of hand. Anyways, after that, it was normal to have a couple of messages per day, the good morning and good night ones in particular.
As the time went on, the amount of messages I received was correlated with what I’ve sent. However, then I get a message apologising for not responding a couple of days, play dates, birthday parties etc. I can definitely understand that kids forget about you in such situations. Then a week goes by, I hear nothing back from anyone.
Then almost two weeks go by, and since the last meeting with the ex went totally aligned with her toxic attitude, she was stressed due to her own life and mistakes she keeps making, I tried to offer support and just talked like I usually do, she got triggered, yelling and belittling me in front of kids – this is and was my weak spot, pressure goes up and my voice with it. The moment I was also visibly upset she threatened to call the police. I immediately left, and decided that this woman is still only looking for moments I make a smallest mistake and she will use it against me.
She said she wanted to reconnect and rebuild trust (oh well, good luck with rebuilding trust after what you did to any person). I finally came to the closure part that I alone didn’t want to conclude, she is not humane and being the kind of bully that she is, if she was a male, I’m sure I’d be finished with her long time ago. I just never imagined any person, what else a woman, mother of three kids would be so violent, insane and selfish as this one is. After all that, it clearly wasn’t going to be followed by any apologies from her, instead she told me she doesn’t have time to reconcile with me, or what I sent her to read about her betrayals.
This was the reason I thought kids are now also not responding to my texts anymore, that she has stepped in and told them to stop communicating with me. In order to be sure, I called her, and asked what is going on. Apparently as a mother being completely unaware of whether kids even talk to their dad or not, for over a week, is totally normal.
Daughter comes to her, and speaking on the phone speaker, I ask her why she hasn’t replied to me at all for over a week. And my 8 years old daughter replies; “I was too busy.”
My heart just sank, same words her mother used for me and my own existence more than once. I have a 17 years old son, who has lived with his mother all his life. I’ve barely seen him when he was young, I live abroad and to his mother it never occurred that half of responsibility for contact with his dad was hers. So our relationship developed and grew through breaking down all the fear imposed on him by the lies of his mother, and grandmother about me. They literally tried to convince him to not visit me alone, and not have a relationship with me – he is a monster they said. He came, stayed for a month (back then I was still at my home with my family), and he saw me at my best and my worst since living with a toxic fearful violent narcissist doesn’t take a lot to see some shit happening. He still came back each year whenever I could host him somewhere. Having spent my life, living away from my own child has changed me, it hurt me beyond any words.
Now there are three more kids, which I definitely wanted to do better for them, be present, show up, and show them what love is.
Well, now they’re “too busy” to even know they have a dad, and when it finally hits them, the same sadness and void I feel now. I don’t even think they will know where and how to reach me, and I will make sure they feel it long enough before I do anything about it myself. I know it’s not their fault, but I won’t try to change their mother who is clearly just playing manipulative games with them, and everyone around her, so the only thing I can change is my attitude. And my love is not a fucking doormat, not even for the kids.
Tough love darlings!
Now all I have is this void, emptiness and myself to fill the void. As for love, I don’t think I ever want to feel it again, too much pain.
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