The number one problem in all relationships, personal or professional, is the lack of accountability. The one we hold for ourselves as well as for others.
The social media and networks are oversaturated with content, and people who are polarising. Feminine power coaches, Masculine Lion Kings coaches, relationship gurus, etc. The overall pattern is that those are echo chambers, emotional dumping grounds. The most delusional of all is the whole “healing” package: yoga, powerlifting, warrior style. It’s all focused on the body, and distraction from the real source of pain.
I’m not saying don’t be fit, active, eat what’s healthy for you. Do it, but that is not “healing”. It’s one part of that.
Talking to someone, emotionally safe spaces, being comforted. Also just a part of what we all need as the part of our basic needs to be seen, heard and taken care for. The healthy relationship is based on care for each other.
Accountability is not just apologising. It’s about learning to sit through, and process what you have done that hurt someone. If they hurt you, it also takes the accountability, and listen if they had done that on purpose, or didn’t know they’re hurting you. The pain comes from words themselves a lot more often than we think. That pain comes from the people we love, family, friends, partners, even our children.
We owe it to our selves to learn to observe that pain, and tell the people why does it feel that way: most of the time we feel angry and still try to be “nice”. I prefer when I’m allowed to just say that I’m feeling this way, and what you said was wrong, too personal, etc.
When it comes to toxic people, at the end of the day, we can all be toxic. It’s the intention: was it intended to inflict pain on purpose or was that a reaction to an abusive, maybe a stressful or an overwhelming situation.
I’ve learned far too late that being triggered by itself was not a bad thing, and even when I was already quite stoic about toxic people in general, I didn’t realise the danger of allowing someone I fell in love with to do things I’d never do myself, or let anyone else be doing them under my watch.
Looking at this now, letting someone mock my career progress and achievements due to their lack of understanding the amount of work it took, and even what real years of work even means. Some people just get by a little bit too easy due to their charms. Letting someone accuse me of how I react, what I say or think when they’ve already crossed the line of boundary. Not the first time, after you’ve already told them where your boundaries are. All that was on me.
The problem I realised I had, and it’s not just my own problem, it’s also a problem with the modern individualistic culture – ironic, it’s also dualistic in the same word. Opposites. Personally I don’t think it’s just that we have normalised abuse by women so much. Those women will abuse other women too, given the opportunity or attraction alike.
It’s more about the fact that we have been normalising, maybe even worshipping egocentric, and toxic culture for far too long. The bullies and wannabe white knights who turn out just like them. Being a person who really just wants the truth, I did fall victim to arrogance and sometimes justifying aggression as the means to seek justice. That’s toxic, and wrong. Life taught me that just because someone is screaming, or swearing, it doesn’t mean they’re a bad person.
If I hadn’t experienced what it really means to meet, and live with someone who checks out all the boxes on the narcissistic spectrum, I would have called myself an abuser and toxic male back then. Truth is, once you let someone like that into your house, there’s literally no other way but to make sure you get evidence, stay even calmer than you can ever be. Play weak when they attack you, and make sure you have at least audio recording if not a video that they don’t know about.
Back then I was arrogant with thinking that because I’ve already been through so much in my life, I could help that wounded woman by offering her safety in my home, and place to face her truth, her fears, and get hugs, massages, good meals, hanging out etc. It wasn’t a project that many do in their relationships. I’ve been alone most of my live up to that point, and I knew how it feels to be abandoned, no idea whether you will even live much longer. Or whether you still even want to.
I already walked that darkness many times, and reaching, or even going back there to stand by the side of someone who’d like to get out wasn’t a problem.
My mistake was not doing according to the advice I just gave here, it’s a lesson from my own mistake. When it comes to people like that, true, women really get away with all sorts of stuff that would put men in jail instantly; slapping, screaming and throwing things at them, harassment, material damage, etc. I’m not sure why it’s so easy to get away with a pretty face and crocodile tears, and I’d love the cops and public officials to explain that. The law basically should treat us all equally, fact is, it’s actually also our own – males’ fault too. We don’t hold each other accountable, and we don’t talk to each other more openly about the emotional weight and support each other like women do when it comes to toxic partners.
I also didn’t report, I was embarrassed, ashamed of my anger, the guilt tripping definitely helped with that. And now I can understand women who suffer in a toxic relationship a lot better. If the house isn’t yours, and you depend on them, you’re fucked. Or at least you think and feel so. In my case, the lease was on my name but because the law protects anyone also living with you, it’s not so easy to just even start that process. You can then play it two ways, become the most annoying, disgusting person in the world until they leave. Or you leave but make sure they can’t use your resources while staying there, which means take out what you can, then cut the financial ties and support.
At the end of the day, when people hurt us, it happens once. Maaaaaaaybe twice but then the conversation has to be really serious, and commitments to change immediately reflecting in continuously changed behaviour.
Not just temporary. In my example, I was the one aggressive to begin with just once. Stupidly enough I thought being tough will just scare them away. It really depends on their own level of attachment I guess, but rather never assume that kind of thing.
I’ve actually never bullied or attacked anyone for any reason, even if I had thought they would deserve it – nazis, bullies etc. Having trained different martial arts styles for many years, I’d use physical force only in self defence or protecting someone who can’t protect themselves. As it turns out, very often, when I should have used more force, I still got beaten up or badly injured because of my empathy and fear of hurting someone too much. The last time I hesitated like that the guy missed my skull with a heavy steel garden table base by a couple of inches. I barely got out of that one alive. I even had the guy dominated, but once I saw the fear in his eyes I tried to back off and that was a mistake. People drugged up, and that surprise attack you just for an old mobile phone, and maybe some cash – as much as I feel for them, but in those moments it’s important to use everything you’ve got on you and within you.
People who bullied me when I was a kid, they got hurt by their own tears when we met as adults, and they realised what compassion and forgiveness feel like. I actually even received similar responses from the ones who stood by and did nothing to stop it. They were afraid, and we were all just kids. A lot of tension back then was also caused by the warfare in Yugoslavia, the nationalism and religious hate were rampant in the 90’s even in the peaceful Slovenia and it was in the forms of street, and youth gangs.
Having said that, imagine me, afraid and having to defend myself from a 13kg lighter female with no fighting skills. Yeah, that kind of rage, and dark triad coming at you, it’s a nightmare. I really wish I could just tell every father ever trapped in such a situation that there’s no other way but to walk way from it. One way or another, just walk away. However, when it comes to kids, and if the home is yours, do whatever you can to have full custody, and as far as mother’s rights, respect them and let the courts decide. All you need is to stay composed and make the evidence clear. The same goes the other way around, no discussions.
It’s not about who has the right to kids, such people can’t love or be loved, trust me, they will try to control kids, and your life through kids.
So protecting yourself and your loved ones in a way that doesn’t get anyone hurt unless they’re a real threat, and you can use controlled force, that’s our accountability.
When it comes to police, social workers, therapists, these are the people that need to hold themselves accountable and each other. From what it looks like, the society these days ends up protecting and supporting the actual abusers a lot more than their victims. I’ve seen that in all shapes and forms.
Even the “good” people who think they’re strong, and giving a good advice end up gaslighting victims:
– just let it go
– move on, there are others
– you’re too sensitive
– you’re living in the past
– others have it worse than you
– what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger (I used that one only as a joke with friends who also shared their shitty life stories, now I just don’t use it at all)
It’s dismissive to someone’s experience and pain, they will either react, or in most cases start shutting down. Then you still point at them for not telling you before. This is where we generally need to really all hold ourselves accountable. Whenever there is a person under stress, adding more to it won’t make them stronger, it makes you a toxic asshole. Even when you think you’re doing good, you’re actually projecting on a person.
Victims of complex trauma can’t just switch things on and off at will, which is definitely what just a couple of years with anyone on cluster B spectrum will do to you. It’s not just psychological, it’s also neurological.
Which means, whatever the healing practices and journey may be, that person has to be able to make their own decisions about it, and the rest of us can support, or shut the fuck up. Many people at the stage of recovering from an abusive relationship will really feel lost, unsure what they need, or want. The most interesting part of that is, it’s the child brain trying to figure itself out. All that child needs is care, and emotional support to feel confident, and whole.
Then the healing is not seeking perfection anymore, and there are no written rules, books and specified games that one should do. That’s the time we really let people just be themselves. We offer what we can give, and only if they needed or asked for it. That includes advices, or pet talks. I am full of wisdom, and advice too. I’ve learned to give that when it’c called upon. I share it with those who want to stick around, and those who ask.
There are people who might inevitably learn a lesson if their attitude crosses the lines, and it depends on the situation, not everyone deserves the attention at all. But more often than not, it’s really okay to call the bullshit out when people abuse the privilege of being ignorant – stupid. When it comes to protecting ourselves, our loved ones, and our peace. Sometimes it does take more pain as a whole than we’d like to but that’s also life.
It could mean the pain of losing someone you care about who refuses to reflect, and cut the BS. It could mean having to make difficult choices at the moment, or take actions we really don’t like, but when your gut, mind and body tells you, do it.
Being who you truly are doesn’t mean doing whatever you want at the expense of others. It means showing your character regardless of what others say and do around you.
I find people who have a bad past, owned up to it, and respect everyone and themselves the same the kind of people who can teach accountability, and what it means to heal, and be healing all your life. The people who either claim to be perfect and innocent are usually hiding, or lying about themselves, or they are too scared to really be themselves. Fact is, even the scared ones can become dangerous people. That’s why some “lose it”, it’s never out of the blue. It’s years of suppressing, people pleasing, and masking up to survive.
I’m lucky that I’m much stronger than I ever thought, physically and mentally. I really can see how people are too often driven over the edge by the lack of empathy and compassion in society. In the cities, the bigger they are, the worse it gets. Fact is that we can’t change everything, but through compassion and care for each other we can all really continue to heal through also processing the shitty environment and world we are creating.
Every politician, ultra rich space-cowboy or mad-doctor without a license, road rage lunatic, and even the real crazy people living among us are a reflection of the ignorant, avoidant, and dismissive nature of the modern culture.
We can’t fake until we make it.
Sprinkling sugar coating on shit doesn’t make it a brownie.
We have to clean up the mess, remove the trash, the luggage we don’t need and isn’t working anymore.
And at the end of the day, gardening, and cleaning up is a lifetime process.
We all are the gardeners and house keepers of our own life, body, mind and the spirit.
Now I know, if I observe myself thinking, feeling, or doing something I don’t like, figure it out why and where it started. That moment of awareness is always part of the cycler breaking. Then sitting with it, and staying in the discomfort with it, until it doesn’t trigger anymore. It means I decide when to get away, and how much I expose myself. No one else is behind that control panel. Only the actual me, not the name my parents gave me, not my inner child, not the person I needed to be to survive, just me.
What I see is that our experiences and sensations are a spectrum of all that we are as this human being right here and now.
Fucked up, messy, yet perfect in all the imperfections.
And everyone is like that.
Whether they can see it, and realise how complete we are, then their masks aren’t needed anymore.
Fact is that people who don’t have the capacity to feel compassion for themselves, and others, don’t see that spectrum. The world for them comes only coloured through the lens of their perception, and just like the rotten fruit can contaminate the rest. You don’t have to throw it all away, just remove the rotten fruit and use that for what it’s still good for. It might be a fertiliser, or become an intoxicating beverage. A wise choice would clearly be to use it as fertiliser so better fruit can grow.
How does that translate to humans you might ask? Well, I don’t agree with prisons, death sentences, and torture for people who can’t live like human beings do. We just find out what they’re useful for, and restrain their freedom accordingly. More often than not, I think that would start developing into something healthier as a consequence through generations. Just like we’ve accumulated generational trauma, it will also take disciplined effort from everyone involved to undo it.
We can’t be perfect, happy, and live forever, we can be more humane, and more brave as a whole.
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