First of all, I’d like to just say that not all childhood or adult trauma (simple trauma or even PTSD) is the same as C-PTSD or Complex Trauma. It simply means that we can’t compare.
It’s not a competition in terms of who suffered more, or less.
It’s just that people who have suffered with complex trauma have often been misunderstood, misdiagnosed, mislabeled, and treated poorly because of how they respond to abuse, stress, and real threats or just inner fear alone.
Complex trauma as self explanatory is a spectrum.
It’s not a disorder although the coping, and defensive mechanisms will overlap with complex B personality disorders.
Major difference is not just about an ability to heal (we all heal ourselves – some with help, some alone). It’s also about the capacity to heal the wounds (many scars remain for life).
The main catalyst of complex trauma is childhood abuse (often very early), and then survival mode that becomes a coping mechanism – often also (mis)taken as an identity: hyper vigilance, hyper empathy, hyper sensitivity – ADHD like symptoms, adopted as “super powers” when they are also trauma responses that end up as self-sabotage.
The abuse pattern is also then repeated throughout the childhood, and often even adulthood due to the fact that many victims of such circumstances often end up being victimised by manipulative, and toxic people that most of us inadvertently “attract”. Fact is, our empathy, our kindness and warmth is the one that attracts them. However, we need to stop shaming and blaming victims, because for the most part, until we wake up, people prey on us.
The abuse is also not just the one that happens hiding at homes, it’s also psychological and physical abuse by peers in schools and communities – bullying.
Just to put this out-loud: I’m definitely not a fan of any divisive rhetoric. Having said that, this is where I must finally come to the distinction point, which I’ve emphasised in the title – #mensmentalhealth
While literally every complex trauma survivor experiences gaslighting, men have been gaslit, and bullied by women, and society in so many ways in recent years, that it must be addressed.
Called out for what it is – female toxicity, female narcissistic abuse (think Johnny Depp but often much worse for majority of men).
This is not about blaming someone for problems that we probably all end up facing and have to deal with ourselves. My healing is definitely my own responsibility. It’s about accountability, and actually being equal also when it comes to how we’re treated by society, and the legal matters.
Here is where I speak for myself, as a boy, teenager, and a man, a father, I kept being told to:
- man up
- deal with it
- stop being so sensitive or emotional
- stop living in the past
- suck it up, and keep going
- …
Whenever men try to open up about pain, we’re told to deal with it.
The catch is that because we don’t get to be seen or heard, like ever, we turn into people pleasers, not to be liked, but to protect ourselves from more harm. The chaos, confusion, and pain was so normalised for the boys in the past – boys don’t cry – that it becomes “normal” in our daily lives too.
Imagine: you survived years of bullying at school and at home. You had to learn to survive your own parents before you could even really talk. Sexual abuse, neglect, violence, screaming and emotional chaos from parents. Then facing people who even mock you when you share your experience. Most mental health professionals 20 years ago didn’t even have the knowledge we do today, what else the technology to share it faster.
Help! What help?!
Then you grow up into an adult, even when life starts to get more normal, you can finally afford to pay your own bills, and feel happy, the way brain got rewired due to complex trauma leaves you at almost constant state of survival mode: job stability (all gone these days), global financial crisis, shitty boss, shady people in the neighbourhood… anything can trigger, will trigger you. It doesn’t mean people will notice, but you read the room, the faces, and keep trying to stay ahead and in control.
Year, after year, after year.
You grow wiser, stronger, but still unable to explain why you feel angry when people treat you poorly, you just feel guilty and ashamed that you yelled back, slammed the door, broke something,..
Then a child, the best possible feeling of a real love you’ve ever felt, and it kicks you in the ass. You realise that the “partner” next you is giving you silent treatments when you need to be seen, feel loved, and understood. Or uses sex when you “made them angry”. A good friend of mine said it very well: “Dude, you’re one giant idiot, but an idiot I can respect.” – this was when I was sharing with my friends and asking how can I “fix this”.
I lacked the knowledge and vocabulary to understand what was happening, my hyper empathy was easily played by wounded women. I can’t blame them, they want real love, but they’re also really afraid when it actually happens – they immediately undermine it because you will do just like everyone else and betray them – a projection, of course.
Covert narcissism is sometimes even more damaging and painful than overt toxic narcissists. The covert ones are real snakes disguised as angels: not aggressive, not loud, very polite and well behaved, but they are extremely manipulative once they see that you are emotionally invested and attached.
In my case, I was attached to the idea of being a better and more responsible father than my dad, or most fathers (according to female opinions) are. Because I’ve been raised by a wounded, victim role wrapped up woman, and surrounded by many alike (safe house for women) I was brainwashed into thinking that being masculine is automatically toxic.
Turns out, being a doormat is actually toxic.
It makes us angry, hopeless, and unable to process our emotions clearly because once the relationship abuse started by a woman goes into a rollercoaster mode, it’s pretty much game over if you don’t have any support from family, friends, or a damn good therapist or lawyer.
That’s when reactive abuse is used against us. And once you crack, and make that mistake that brings the law into play, no one will believe a man, unless there’s video and who knows what more.
Even visible injuries are not enough, if she is crying her victim story at the same time to police.
In my case, I had nowhere to go, no idea what else to do than taking it to court, but with kids involved. And being told to man up all my life, I really believed too much that it’s all on me: self regulation even when she is throwing tantrums, raging at me for trying to have my own peace, or just be myself.
Once I caught her: lying, cheating, and hiding all the past about her from me, that’s when I saw hell and went through it.
It was just super easy to keep calling police every time I yelled, or punched plaster walls and made a hole there. After one mistake, every reaction to the abuse and manipulation I had was used against me.
Ultimately the trust, when I opened myself was also used against me when we had meetings with social services, and experts.
That’s when I started to learn, I was gaslit by therapists themselves just because I wasn’t stupid enough to buy into their attachment styles and loops as the only explanation. By the time they finally had to realise what’s really going on, it was too late.
The burnout, mental and physical exhaustion from years of self neglect and hard work finally got me. My mind was stuck, in a fog of surviving and not being able to think clearly for myself, even though I was right, had proof. Simply seeing how one by one people kept overlooking the evidence. Treating my distress and anxiety as male aggression, or undiagnosed mental health disorders while the same people made allegations that were extreme.
It was all a real movie with a nightmare scenario playing itself for over 4 years until I finally reached my own point of cutting them all off piece by piece.
I had zero mental health help, zero legal help, still no place I can call my home and no place to stay safe, eat every day and take care of myself. I survived the street jungle: addicts trying to rob me on my tiny sailboat parked at the quay. Getting arrested by special forces due to false reports by one of these people. Attacked by a group of drugged up Spanish squatters, only to be blamed for it by police when I called them (never again). Early this year by a crazy drugged up biker who’s involved with a gang, and then even cops again, but this time they finally did the right thing and arrested that guy instead of me.
And still people tell me, why are you living in the past? Just move on, let it go… LOL
I lost a home that I literally earned and equipped with my own sweat and blood poured over more than two decades of hard work, and dedicated career, and personal growth. Healing and growth even when I barely had any idea about doing it right. I can’t see my kids every day, only agreements and hassle, then yes. I’m missing out on their childhood, not just my own inner child making up for his lost childhood dreams and games.
And whenever I speak about the double standards, abuse, lies, cheating, I get either ignored or even attacked by triggered women, and even men who are still deluded.
All I can say, whether there is a god or not, I do thank God for the strength, insights and the few miracles I’ve experienced and healed through this journey. I can’t say I am completely healed, but I do know one thing, I know myself a lot better and now there’s no one, and nothing that can disturb my own peace and self respect.
Even if I still don’t know whether I will survive tomorrow or not. I’m really happy with myself, and proud how far I’ve gone.
And that’s something no words could have helped with before, and now can’t describe.
I just wish this reaches all the men that need to hear that they’re worth more, they deserve better. Their reactions were normal to an abnormal manipulation and abuse. It’s hard, but stay alive, for you, for me, and those that love you even when they can’t show you or tell you.
Just be. Don’t push, don’t force anything, rest, breathe. BE YOU!
And one thing that really helped me is meditation, deep tissue Thai massages (they have to be really good), and also psychedelics in a very therapeutic sense and way I wouldn’t recommend just anyone to do it, and certainly not alone.
I didn’t try it, and won’t need it anymore, but EMDR also works well.
I tried to be short, I don’t think that can work either ROFL
That’s it for today.
Please, share this with anyone who needs it.
Some sauce:
https://www.themindcollected.com/journal/complex-trauma-vs-simple-trauma-whats-the-difference
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9107503
https://psychcentral.com/ptsd/how-ptsd-cptsd-and-bpd-can-impact-relationships
Message to “experts” – don’t you ever dare label anyone, first explore all root causes and stop giving shitty pills to people, holistic treatment and exposure, with some shrooms, acid or mandy works really great, combine that with EMDR : miracles, maybe even for NPD and BPD people and their flying monkeys.
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