I’m sitting inside the galley of my new boat, and pondering on the moment that made all this happen.
Most of my followers, readers, and friends know by now that my life wasn’t all bed and roses. Far from it. Especially the past few years.
My story is so full, and complex that I actually need assistance with documenting and sharing it. At the moment, I’m doing it all alone, and not using any tools – which will change as I am investing more in myself and my ideas.
In a nutshell: I went from a rough, and abusive childhood to homeless teenager. Then to a father, and a divorced man soon after. Birth of my son was the first major catalyst in my own changes: becoming a dad gave my life a purpose, a meaning, and a sense of belonging.
Even though I had decided to leave my homeland, start a new life with a better career abroad, I was doing it all so I could remain present in the life of my son. I never needed to earn, and keep pushing myself so hard for my own ambition.
My own success came to me naturally. I was not chasing opportunities, nor women.
What I mean by “success” is when I really wished for something, those wishes came true. In the very beginning of the new millennium I just turned 18 years old. I didn’t have family, or relatives that I could tell how much I wished to have a laptop, or a PC – I wanted to create and mix music. The age of digitally produced music started to boom everywhere. It was less than 6 months later, a friend and cousin of my girlfriend at the time said she can give me and older Toshiba laptop. It was perfect for what I needed.
OK, my musical creativity and career never really kicked off – one reason for that was my lack of confidence, and then life itself. On top of that, I did “waste” most of my time being addicted to playing pool once I discovered how talented I was at that sport (I would love to show off with it in my best form – but it takes daily practice, a lot of dedication and money to become a pro).
The catch is that when it came to small things, I couldn’t even notice at the beginning how “lucky” I was. Not being able to afford much, or just splurging when I did have enough, the things I wanted didn’t come to me easy, and most often I’d later realise that it was not what I needed. However, whenever I had wished for something out of my heart, and it was meant for me – whether as a lesson, or a gift. That’s where life would show its magic, the mysterious paths intertwining and aligning themselves.
Only a few weeks ago all I could do, and think was complete surrender: ever since I was absorbed with the last relationship, and being a father of three more kids now, my life was like a never ending loop of abuse, trauma, and hoovering back when I was at my own breaking point.
Once the bubble bursted, truth came out, and I was disillusioned by the words and actions coming from my own partner, the ones we can read in textbooks about narcissistic abuse. It took layers upon layers of brain fog, self guilt and shaming to unwrap before I could finally see my true self.
Then weeks dragged into months, no work, no home, no safe space, and the actual struggle and real fights for life and survival. I thought I’d never make it out alive.
I knew that on my own, I didn’t stand a chance. Not anymore, the burnout, the lies, systematic abuse by government institutions, continuous false allegations by my ex, her mother, and their whole team of equally broken – hypocritical people claiming to be social workers, and experts who were all supposed to serve people, uphold the law, and respect human rights – this all took a toll on me.
With all that pain, beating, and toxicity, I still had nowhere to go – moving from one place to another, from one friend, to another. Trying to work – only getting used by shitty people with beautiful white smiles. I was losing all hope.
Having slept on a couch full of cat’s hair, soaked in the smell of cigarettes and a human body stuck in depression due to the chemical imbalance caused by the “medicine” prescribed by her “expert” (labelling someone with BPD, giving them drugs for ADHD that don’t work on anyone anyway while totally overlooking C-PTSD and healthier methods of healing makes you a complete idiot, not an expert!). My body and brain immediately went into shutdown. I was fighting it back by walking every day as much as I could, or at least sitting outside and trying to focus on positive.
One day I finally gathered enough energy and focus to decide to find a more quiet, solitary spot (that’s almost impossible in Netherlands). I found one, realised it’s more like a crackhead camping site at night. I made sure I’m safe, and won’t disturb anyone still sleeping. I sat down, and it really took me the longest in all the videos I made before to even start recording (video at the bottom). As usual, I aimed to be short, 10 – 15 minutes, but ended up talking a lot again.
Just as I finished, I sensed someone coming from behind my back, nothing felt unsafe so I just let the dude sit close.
We strike a conversation, and since is very open and honest himself from the start, I also opened up. I’ve got nothing to lose, nothing to hide.
A few days before this I helped a guy getting stuck on his boat, and an engine that kept choking every time he throttled up. I’m not a mechanic, I don’t know much about engines. But I’m an engineer, and knowing how stuff works, I decided to try to help. I actually did find, and solved the problem: leaky fuel line and gaskets. Refitting the hose, and tightening a few bolts did the trick. That guy promised he wold call me back in a couple of days, and let me know whether he wants to help me out with some money (he claimed he recently scored in a casino). As it is very typical around the Dutch culture (regardless of ethnic origins – this is localised culture), the call never came, words were just empty smiles to get rid of you ASAP.
This boat emergency story is important. It hits hard, every promise or notion of help, or work opportunity to improve my own life, turned out to be a lie so far.
Sitting there, close to crackhead camp, talking to this weird dude in a leather hat, leather vest and rave pants. Sharing my pain, and my joy of life before it all came crashing down with him, he tells me that recently he decided to also change his life around. He sold his apartment, has an idea what to do with his money and where. I’m happy for anyone who makes it out, and can invest in themselves. Then the dude says, listen, it may sound incredible but I am going to help you out. It will take a few days, and it might go wrong because people here are truly idiots, incompetent, and often do not deliver on their own words, or nothing at all.
I told him that as much as I can see how genuine he is, I have a hard time trusting anyone at all. Which is understandable by now.
Two days later, I wake up to a message: Dude, let’s go!
And now, it’s around two weeks, I’m sitting inside the galley of my own super rare motor sailer boat. It’s my own. I wished for a miracle to come pick me up, and the guy who walked in and actually did this, is ironically called an Angel by his surname (Engel – in Dutch). I was, and I still am stunned.
Literally, exactly what I wished for, including all the trouble I get with that – the amount of work and cleaning I already had to do, not on my own boat but three boats altogether. The joy of buying older boats that need some love.
Having said that, before I go too far, into too much detail, my point here was: wishes come true.
Just very often we forget it was us creating them, attracting them. I wished for someone like my ex was, but I forgot about the importance of them being also a safe, aware, and compassionate person. Anyone can be good looking (especially in their late 20’s), intelligent, funny, and different – especially the people who don’t have a personality of their own – they will mirror and mimic what you like in order to make you love them. If I knew what I know now, I’d not get deceived or self deceived by seeing the good in people where there is none.
Wishful thinking is hoping that toxic people want to change, and that they could be more like you – break out of the cycles. Truth is, they drag others down. All I had to realise and learn is that some people cry for help, scream to save them, but when you do – they will dump the reasons why they got into their mess onto you. I had to learn, that I was responsible for attracting that person, and even more responsible for keeping that person around, trying to save her.
Give her the safe space, love, and compassion that could maybe even plant a seed of true love inside a broken, toxic wounded woman. Fact is, she also chose to stay who she was. Her wounds were not just inflicted by others, some wounds were there due to lack of self respect. It’s not our duty to save and heal those for others.
Now that life has shown me again, that this is not just wishful thinking, manifesting and creating anything in life begins with our imagination, state of mind and body together, I’ve got only one thing left to do – be myself, share more, create more, and invite you to join me through this journey as I reflect on the past, live in the moment, and also show you that we are all creators, and masters of our own, and common future.
Last but not least, my last video moments before life threw me right back into my dreams, joy, and love – boats, happy people, good problems to solve – engines, refitting, upgrading, tinkering, and travelling.
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