You know that feeling of betrayal that you do to yourself? When you heard your intuition scream at you; “Something is wrong, and it’s not safe – don’t stay to find out!”
Or when you see the red flags, and you gaslight yourself and minimise them. Giving the same people chances over, and over again yet fully knowing already that they don’t reciprocate.
I had really thought about this a lot. Have I betrayed myself?
I didn’t listen, or stopped and paused long enough to acknowledge whatever matters to me, and find a way that was best.
I put my hopes into a person who was very clearly deprived of compassion. I put my love, and my heart because of how kindness, love, and honest people affect me – I feel safe, seen, appreciated. Is that something worth calling a self betrayal?
I don’t feel so.
Was I betrayed by the other person?
In the definition itself, I was betrayed. However, whether they knew what they were doing or not, those are the people who’re really ultimately the ones betraying themselves.
The hard part for me was just to find forgiveness for myself. Once I finally did that, it became clear I didn’t have much to forgive after all.
Cycle of abuse, insulting, raised voices, shaming and embarrassment, disrespect, and lack of maturity did not begin with me when it became obvious that there are deeper reasons behind all that.
I don’t judge people, I’ve had to learn very young that bullies, and abusers are the ones who are bullied and abused themselves.
I did offer what I knew I could do best, a safe space – a home. A hug, friendship first and foremost. I did my best to understand, hear out and give her an opportunity to make her own choices in anything. I didn’t play the white knight who then ends up locking the princess in the high tower. Remember, I’ve been used as a vehicle, and a fool in the past. I have accepted that true love and loyalty are very rare, especially coming from the people who have clearly been wounded but keep trying to hide that.
In a sense, I knew the risks of being in a relationship with someone who’s still trying to find themselves. I knew it works through being able to allow everything suppressed, twisted or masked to surface. It can’t be all pretty and comfortable but it does usually lead to a much better place. At the end of the day, I wasn’t doing that much for myself, my own satisfaction of being able to help a person others would rather reject and judge. I wasn’t doing that just for her rather ungrateful, and entitled ass either.
I kept doing that because we also became parents. As much as we’d all like to believe how much control we can have over that, fact is, even the smallest chances still lead to a conception in many cases.
I stayed, and hoped that all that pain, and masking will transform in a truly open, honest, and mutually respectful relationship because we do have three children, and we have been though a lot together.
The only way life could have developed the way it did, is that only one person was actually in the way of their own self realisation, growth and accepting the love.
The same person also chose to stand in my way once I tried to do the only possible thing left, which is leave. Take a break, recover. Rest. Regain clarity, feel myself again, and then make a real decision forward. Instead, I had to face losing everything what meant most to me, my family, my home, years of hard work and investments into that.
Only then I could really accept that my intuition had been right all along, I was deceived, trapped with help of her own mother hovering above her head and in our lives at all times while being one of the main sources, and an enabler of the whole toxic cycle consisting of deceit, grandiosity, avoidance, and hiding behind multiple layers of masks, fake smiles, and fake positive attitude.
The lesson here was really long but great. Sometimes we will inevitably end up making someone feel hurt. The main question at that point is, are they using that to make you feel guilty because you’re merely showing them self respect, boundaries, and the doors if they still choose to keep crossing the clearly drawn lines.
No matter who, or what they try to do to get back through the door. Once you came to that point, just do it, follow with your intention.
Letting such people go is not just clearly essential for your own well-being. In the past, and without children being involved, I did that. The people who have realised what they had allowed to slip through their self centred fingers, or the people who realised that they went too far learned their own lessons sooner or later.
The ones who have learned from the lessons also did return to apologise, and they have shown their growth through a changed behaviour too.
Those who don’t learn, continue to justify their actions by any means necessary, and at all cost. They don’t want to learn, it’s the whole learning and growth process that triggered them in the first place.
They want to be like you, they envy that strength, confidence and authenticity. Yet they refuse the fact, that it means hard work, self discipline, loyalty, and often dealing with a lot of push back, conflict and pain from the people who, putting simply, are addicted to try and control anyone who stands out.
Being real, not selling your self, and your soul to be liked, loved, accepted or rewarded for it is the true path of a character.
Claiming they’re authentic while they can’t face their own demons, name those demons and bring them to light – it’s all just another facade.
That’s why choosing to be who you are was never self betrayal but we must be a lot more careful, mindful, and cautious about who is the person that we are facing.
Not because we can’t trust people but because people need to prove that they are trustworthy.
I’m glad that I had to become lost to find myself, my own voice. To realise I was not gone, just silenced, coerced, and forced into losing the ability to control my own decision making process. That was on me but it takes an extremely manipulative person to trick a guy like me that hard, and thinking I’d actually allow myself to feel that stupid for the rest of my life.
I was always clear about that, I sense the bullshit, and if I have to reveal it on my own by dragging it out of people, it’s also far too late to fix the damage they had done.
Many times people at least tried to later offer something to help with the repairs. People. I’m not sure how to call or identify the beings who continue to pursue their own false narratives after being caught lying, recorded, and caught red handed with their hypocrisy on multiple occasions.
Comparing them to animals is definitely against logic, animals are essentially far greater beings than we are. Comparing them with monsters, or other types of entities also does not seem fair – monsters are often angels in disguise.
I think a nobody trying to take on a life of someone far greater than they ever attempted to be is the closest I can get. A thief, fraud, and a lowlife.
I don’t feel lost, or betrayed anymore. I don’t feel embarrassed, ashamed, or guilty about anything I did. I could do better, for sure. I would have done much more than that for the right person, showing up consistently with the same intentions, actions as well as their own vulnerability.
I was not playing a game, I was letting the game be played along with me being used as a pawn, hoping that I will get out alive, and safe together with the kids.
It was never meant to be this way to leave them behind, knowing that best I can predict is an already known pattern of the push-pull , the hoovering and then discarding over and over again. Knowing that a person like that can really act well but can’t really hold the act so big together forever, and sooner or later the pressure will be on the kids themselves.
Now I know that I’ve reacted in ways that ended up hurting me and my kids. I have made mistakes trying to stay stronger, instead of admitting that there is no way to be the better person with people like that. There was only one way, out of their own self destructive way.
I wish that how I feel now also reflects in the present. However, even if I have completely failed, and end up 6ft under. I know I’ve done my best, with all my heart. With pure intentions, and out of love. If those are the charges, I stand guilty as charged. My head might have been cut off but the crown stays on.
Don’t let anyone tell you what to think, how to feel, and what to do. True freedom is all in your own hands.
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