When I ask myself, was it worth all the effort, sacrifices, giving so many people so many chances to do what is right. If they can’t do their job right, at least show some respect to what are the facts that speak for themselves. As a (high) tax payer I expect the public services to be professional, and diligent.
When I realised I care more about that woman than just having a good company, I opened my heart, and my home to her. Way too soon, I get it now. The mindless, and irrational arguments, the behaviour, and lack of respect was a clear red flag enough. However, I already loved her. Knowing the pain of being told that you’re loved, but then betrayed and abandoned, I just couldn’t see myself doing that to the person I love. I didn’t know back then that with every moment she disrespected me, attacked my vulnerabilities from the past, I was actually betraying myself with allowing that to continue. One day I was the love of her life, the other day I was someone she hated with all her guts. Funny enough, the biggest and only excuse for the rage was smoking. When shit hit the fan, I saw a video of her smoking and acting like a 16 year old teenager – a mother of 3 children.
When she first became pregnant, I was already looking how to get out of this for a few months before. On the day when she told me she is pregnant, I was honestly hoping she would say she isn’t ready. I just knew, with all my heart, as much as I loved her, felt her wounded and fragile inner child, I was fucked. Literally fucked.
Having been always open and honest with her, I didn’t tell her how I really felt about it until she has told me how long she lied about one of her relationships with her female friend that started developing also before she got pregnant – which was a total of 5 years for her to admit what I also knew but wanted her to tell me the truth herself.
Some of the things she said very early in our relationship were really small, but significant;
– people never change: that was a red flag, and we even had many conversations or arguments about that
– she said I would never know when she lies to me: that was partially true, I definitely knew she was faking a lot, lying, but I couldn’t know how deep and how far she would go to protect her own image
– every accusation or judgement of other people turned out to be exactly what she was doing herself: lying, cheating, manipulating and acting as the victim when she successfully triggered reactions
– when using defensive mode, she would say I hate her: a mirror projection
– screaming that I am selfish, manipulator and a narcissist: I had to learn the hard way what it really means
I’m not going to go into every scene and event, but just to list a few things and her reactions to cigarettes or disagreements that made me feel unsafe:
– throwing full bottles of wine towards my head: I have quick reflexes
– throwing plant pots, dishes, or holding knives while chasing me around the house
– threatening to kill me while I sleep, or telling me I should kill myself because nobody loves me, and never did (probably quite right – there was some love, but either I wasn’t ready or it didn’t last due to other reasons)
– screaming at kids that I don’t love them and don’t want to play with them when I was exhausted, burned out, stressed out, or just had enough of this life
– destroying, or threatening to destroy my own property such as computers, bikes, phone, etc.
– once she attacked me with a heavy broom when I fell asleep in my bed, drunk – trying to defend myself while she was holding our daughter, a baby in her hands to use her as shield. It resulted in me getting arrested, and then released without charges
– other than in 2015, when we didn’t have kids, I wanted to kick her out. She was trying to force herself inside my flat, I didn’t mean to hurt her but it happened, and I was charged for that. This was my only offence like that in my whole life before.
– using my mistakes, my guilt against me, and calling the police whenever she thought it works for her and it did
In 2020 it was actually the tipping point: she was beating me, screaming at me for several days in the row. When she attacked me again with throwing stuff around, and pulling me by my hair, I didn’t raise a hand on her. I tried to push her away, and grabbed her hands so that she couldn’t pull my hair out. The “bruises” she had on her arms, and belly (red marks from being pushed while she was pulling on my hair), 2 small kids upstairs didn’t see anything, and were too small to be able to speak up for themselves.
I was arrested, then ordered to stay away for 10 days.
We started with therapies, due to Covid we only had Whatsapp calls. Because of that, and also fear of what would consequences of speaking out the whole truth about the abuse I was going through mean for us as a family later, and obviously my own life. I also became emotionally attached to her, and kids during her pregnancies. Being there when she gave birth. I’m loyal to the family that I never had, neither did she. When I took care of her, and served her, she was also happier and obviously she couldn’t go out much, drink, party, or look attractive for any of her “adventures” she jumped into like a lighting later on.
With couples therapy going for a year, financially things were going only worse. Which is reasonable, I quit a toxic job just at the end of 2019. Getting back on track was supposed to be easy, just not for me anymore because my mental health was starting to decline due to pressure.
During these therapy talks, and moving our house, solving the financial side with help from the government debt management, I was overloaded with a ton of responsibilities. Living in a home, now with two small kids, and a baby. A home way too small, noisy, and unbearable in my own stressful life – that was a mistake created by the social services that started snowballing everything else. When they finally put us on the emergency social housing list, we were still a family of 4. Just a month later, begging, and arguing with them to delay the rehousing for maximum 2 months fell on deaf ears. 5 meant we would have been assigned to a house, not just apartment fitting a family of 3 at the maximum.
Fact is that initially they even refused any sort of support, which was definitely not according to the legal framework. It took me 6 months of arguing back and forth to finally prove them wrong. Standing up for our rights was something that one shouldn’t do without a very good and expensive lawyer. When they retaliate, they do it with everything they can use. In my case, they went as far as literally making up allegations that don’t just affect me emotionally, but also literally ruined my life.
The law clearly states that every person has the right to stay, and live where they are already registered and paying on their own name. Even when it comes to cases of domestic disputes a court must decide whether someone should leave for the safety of the children.
When everything escalated again, and in time when I was completely inhumanely exhausted, my ex and these social services used their coercion tactics to threaten me with arrest if I don’t leave the home. That turned out to be completely wrong.
Anyway, later they followed with allegations that I am suicidal, that I am aggressive towards their employees, and refuse to cooperate (when they offered me a community for mentally ill people as a solution to the homelessness they caused themselves). Several formal complaints resulted in their team leader, and their legal advisor trying to dominate, and manipulate me into submission. When that didn’t work, they faked empathy and compassion, refused to repair the damage done with lies and mistakes, weeks later proceeded with even worse allegations, and escalating every single incident they could.
In the end I was actually happy that the Dutch child protection services would get involved. I can’t trust any person who did such horrible things to the father of their kids with anything in life, not to mention my own kids. She plays it well though, super mom, grandiosity, and charming acts in front of everyone. My eyes see what is the truth behind it, which is performance, and how quickly she would abandon the kids if she could dump them on someone. Many times she went on vacation with her mom, leaving us with a completely empty fridge when my income was clearly coming just a week or more later. We had agreements about that, I surely never left them hungry. In fact, I was paying for all the stuff all the years. Her contributions, other than the above, being a mother, and occasionally making some money for the food and other basics. 95% of the cost and responsibility, as well as all vacations were coming out of my pockets.
If she told me she fell in love with someone, the door was open. If she wanted to only have “fun” with women, the door was open. I loved her enough to let her go, and wanted her to be happy, free of her rage and pain. All I needed was her being honest, and being gentle – verbally, and otherwise. She became my worst nightmare, and a hater instead.
A bully, worse than any other man I’ve ever had to deal with.
In the end, was it worth the therapy, trusting everyone with my past, with what she was doing to drive me to my point of becoming reactive, and angry? No.
This week, since Monday, I had to process, sit with the pain, and a deep core lesson. The child protective services (JeugdBescherming) have sent me a document.
We spent several meetings together, I did show them documents and proof of my work, and the level of career. I tried to openly explain what I was facing before they have been involved. That people completely twisted my life story, and truth around. Made me look like a monster, while she’s the hero single mom.
Ultimately the kids don’t even have a chance to rebuild the relationship with me, because there has been a consistent track of actions on her side that have put kids in danger on several occasions. When I tried to point that out, just like in the past cases, it was not noted anywhere in the recent document.
What I told them about me, my life, it was like I was speaking to an empty room. Nothing like that is written.
Being forced to explain, defend, and prove myself over and over again, I tried, it didn’t work. The people working on this case at JeugdBescherming promised their work is better, facts oriented, diligent – they are a judicial branch after all. All they have been proving, is that they’re doing exactly the same. Saying one, doing the opposite.
The government, police, social services, mental health services, they all see you as criminal, broken, lying, and in need to be controlled. That’s because sadly I have to admit now, people are like that. If not by nature, they become like that – under peer pressure. Speaking truth, nice or ugly truth, triggers people.
Being honest means you will not be heard, and any mistake you’ve made, anything you say that can be used against you, is definitely going to be used against you.
They don’t serve people, truth, law or justice. They have a different purpose, destroying families, and silencing victims of abuse.
I’m not sure if I will survive this, and if I do, what’s the point? What is it worth?
I’ve been most of my life. In this year I maybe got 5 hugs, a little bit of lifeline and handouts from old friends. Without that I’d freeze somewhere in winter, and starve to death already. Every day I keep trying to do whatever I know, and can do to get out of this. I invest every 10EUR into stuff I hope would work out, but it takes ages. I grabbed every paid or unpaid side job I could. I send too many applications for jobs on LinkedIn.
It’s insane, I’ve got skills and experience of a high level expert, yet the society is rejecting me on every possible level. People don’t even notice you around here. If anyone does come talking to me, it’s a beggar who clearly still has it better than I do. Or a guy telling me I sinned and only Jesus can save me.
Same thing with people promising to help, or deliver their part on really important things. They say a lot, actions that follow are rather shit.
I’m stuck, with one week left to make up my mind if I want to buy a boat that needs some work, extra equipment, and a paint job to make it really work out and liveable.
Even though the guy is willing to wait for it, I still have to pay for the downpayment more than I have. Someone promised to help, otherwise this wouldn’t be an option to begin discussing at all. When I did see the boat, and did say I want it, the person making their promise – turns their back.
I often helped people without them asking for it, but later admitting how much they needed it. I know, it’s hard to ask when you know that no one cares. It’s even harder to ask anyone for any help if you’re a man. Everyone expects you to live like a machine all your life, no feelings, work nonstop, get rich, buy cars, and keep fake smiling through every guy trying to fuck you over, after they fucked your wife.
If not the guys, then you have to be careful not tell anyone too much about yourself, especially not women because large majority these days are programmed to hate us, crush us, and then blame us for being toxic and selfish when we finally try to set some boundaries.
Being a person that people like, means being a person willing to lie, fake, and walk over others at any cost to get what you want. People don’t care how you got it, as long as you know how to show off, and be likeable.
When you are the one who’s been manipulated, abused, and discarded like trash, she is still the hero. She protected her peace, and the kids. She does it all by herself (neighbour nannies, momma nanny, whole network of support and financial support). The home was always “her own” because she is the mother, and she has rights.
In the end, years of my work, self healing, and having to cope with this insanity was all not just twisted into a nightmare. I know what I have done, achieved, and how far I have gone to just survive. The life I had before, and life after. And now, they completely invalidated all the past that I can easily prove, they didn’t just repeat the same old false story. Now they even took whatever was good from me, and erased it.
All that is left is a homeless, suicidal, angry, problematic man that in their own perception never worked or paid any taxes in Netherlands. Psychiatric issues even though not one single diagnosis other that C-PTSD was ever established. Clearly they had no intention to include any evidence I ever had, nor any facts about me.
This is a deliberate systematic destruction because I’m able to prove everything, and I don’t have any protection. It’s not about being a threat to my kids, or that toxic snake, it’s about being able to prove the illegal actions within the local government. I am a threat to their well paid jobs, their nationalistic sense of pride, a threat because I was right, I am right, and I dare to speak it out loud.
If I don’t blow my own head off, someone else will. They hate people like us enough to wish us death just to save their face.
Now I see that they protect each other, and most of them pick their jobs exactly because they were wounded, and never healed. Their healing is their idea of how you should live and act. Truth doesn’t matter. It only matters who cries better and more convincing. Crying doesn’t work for men though. We are just fucked once someone finds a way.
It’s not worth it. Not for me, not for kids. Fuck them, and their power abuse.
If I can’t figure out how to buy the boat, and have enough on the side for other costs, I’m done writing, posting videos or doping anyhing.
I don’t care anymore what happens.
I’ve been left to rot alone or with other rotting people far too long. What’s left of me is not human anymore.
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